


what the stars saw (and really, it might have been my deepest desire all along to be right by your side)

by thefandomcat



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, Gen, Hogwarts Eighth Year, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Other, Post War AU, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, Slurs, but just a little bit of angst, eight year AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2020-10-19 06:57:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20653061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefandomcat/pseuds/thefandomcat
Summary: Two people wander at night, both of them searching for safety and peace.They never expected to find it in each other.





	1. the first time i was so confused

The first time it happened was an accident.

Draco liked the night. When his brain got too loud and his emotions uncontrolable, the only thing that could soothe Draco's mind was the moon shining from behind a few clouds and constellations of wonder scattered over the dark sky.

Draco's favourite place was a deserted corridor on the third floor. No one ever went there (and rumour has it that a few corridors further Potter and his minions defeated The Dark Lord hiding under Quirrel's turban - what a load of nonsense, right), not even Filch and definitely not Draco, until one night. That night the thoughts and worries had been so unbearable that Draco found himself stumbling from the Slytherin dormitories, gasping for breath. Everything was... too much. And so he ran. He ran the stairs, through abandoned halls and classrooms until he couldn't breathe anymore, falling to the ground choking on desperate sobs, tears streaking his pale face. He was kneeling there for minutes, or maybe even an hour, Draco wasn't sure anymore, when he lifted his head and finally looked around. He certainly didn't recognize it here, but the corridor was peaceful. At the end of it was a large window and when Draco approached it and saw the night sky, he knew he would be returning here. He finally felt a little safe.

Draco was sitting next to the window when he heard it. Footsteps. Draco panicked and almost thought Filch had miraculously remembered there is a corridor around here and that he is about to lose the one place where he felt moderately like himself, when the footsteps stopped and he heard a voice way worse than Filch's.

"Malfoy."

_Well shit_, thought Draco. "Potter. What the fuck are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same thing."

Draco turned around to tell that sod to fuck off, but he stopped himself.

Potter looked like shit.

Not that he ever looked good (or at least Draco was not going to admit that), but this Potter, too thin to be healthy, with hair messier than usual, red rimmed eyes and glasses askew, was not okay. He looked like he was about to pass out any second.

Now, Draco does not care about Potter, definitely not. But unlike everyone thought, he was not heartless. Expressing emotions or any kind of caring might have never been his forte, but at this moment, he wishes he knew how to do so. Draco therefore decided not to say anything and go back to staring at the night sky, winding Potter up in his state probably wouldn't be a good idea, besides that Draco was too tired to argue and taunt Potter like he usually enjoyed.

"You didn't asnwer me. What are you doing here, Malfoy?"

"Nosy as ever, aren't you, Potter?" Draco turned to Potter again. "I am not answering you so either you sit down or leave."

Potter scoffed. "Of course you'd say that. Acting like you own the entire fucking place."

Draco willed himself to calm down and not to take that git's bait.

Potter soon left, after actually sitting down for a while on the other side of the corridor, facing Draco. Even though he was mostly focusing on recognizing the constellations, he couldn't help but sneak a few glances at Potter's slumped frame. By Draco's standards, Potter looked too miserable and Draco didn't know why, but it didn't make him happy. He usually enjoyed all the sad and angry reactions he got from Potter by generally being a dick to him (_okay_, Draco admits to himself at least, he was sometimes a menace. _But Potter deserved it, so..._), but this seemed different.

Draco wishes everything was normal. Both of them to get their shit together and shout profanities at each other across The Great Hall. Even though he knows it's probably not going to happen.

But first and foremost, Draco wishes that Potter never returns to this corridor. It's the only place Draco feels at ease.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you enjoyed this chapter! make sure to tell me in the comments below!
> 
> i have a few other chapters prewritten, but i will probably be posting slowly, mainly because im starting school now and i'll most likely have less time for writing


	2. but the second time and third and all the others set a sense of peace in my soul

The second time it happened might still have been an accident, but the third and fourth and all the others were definitely not.

A few days later, Potter came to the corridor again, with visibly red eyes, plunked himself on the ground and sat there for a while, staring at the wall. Draco wanted to scream because _this is my safe space and I found it and I can't leave because I can't be myself anywhere else_. But Potter looked so tired and so small and alone. Draco sighed to himself. 

Potter started coming almost every night. He always sat in the same place, slumped frame and all. Draco had been annoyed at first, but seeing Potter so miserable softened his feelings and Draco wondered. He wondered what kind of troubles could possibly The Saviour of the Wizarding World have. Draco subconsciously knew. Draco thought that however unlikely it had always seemed, they might have been going through similar obstacles.

The war has changed a lot for Draco. He doesn't like to think about it, in fact, he tries so hard not to. But the trauma is real, and the evidence of his doom is etched on his skin and somehow people always make sure to remind him that he is nothing but Death Eater scum. Draco knows. Draco knows he is a piece of shit. It didn't matter whether he had wanted to be a part of this mess or not, he would always blame himself for everything that happened during the war. Draco is aware of all this and he is not willing to forgive himself anytime soon. Even though he didn't want any of this to happen. But he wants to forget. It's exhausting when his own brain doesn't stop and he wants it to _stop stop stop please I don't I'm sorry I'm sorry I can still hear their screams and it hurts I can't help them it hurts it hurts I'm sorry sorry sorry_

Draco was crying.

Silently though, and completely facing the window, because he did not want Potter to see him in such a pathetic state.

Draco was truly pathetic.

And then he heard it. A sniff. And then a second one.

Draco turned around to see Potter's shoulders shaking with silent sobs. Something tugged at his heart. Draco didn't know, didn't understand what his body was doing, why his legs were so forcefully and urgently dragging him towards Potter, but he finds himself sitting down next to him.

Potter lifted his head. Looked at Draco's already tear-streaked face. He tried to say something, but it came out as a choked sob.

Draco couldn't hold it in anymore.

And then they were crying. Unrestrained ugly sobs, tears and all. Crying about life and death and all that happened and they wished, they really wished it went differently. Crying for all the people who lost their lives, for all the people who lost their beloved ones, for themselves because it's _so fucking unfair and I didn't ask to be involved in this shit and it's still my fault and I'm so sorry sorry sorry_

And if they ended up leaning on each other for comfort, they didn't mention it.


	3. and your smile shines more than a million stars

The next nights were a lot more relaxed.

They still wouldn't talk to each other, but now they sat by the window together, and Draco didn't know what that strange ache in his chest meant. He didn't pay that much attention to the stars anymore, the boy seated next to him seemed suddenly more intriguing and Draco couldn't take his eyes off.

Because boy, Harry was _beautiful_.

His messy hair, vividly green eyes, the ridiculous scar on his forehead, Draco found it beautiful and he was confused, because first of all, he never found anything nor anyone like that, and secondly, how come he hasn't noticed it before?

And Harry was broken and Draco thought, Draco wished he knew how to fix it, even though he was not even able to fix himself.

Draco wondered when his thoughts had even switched from Potter to Harry. But if he was being honest, although it terrified him, he found that he quite liked it.

Inspite of both of them being tired of the world, Draco hoped he'd see Harry smile someday.

The moment came soon enough.

Harry came to the corridor later than usual tonight.

Draco turned to face him and looked at him, as a form of greeting, or maybe even a silent question of _why were you late, I almost thought you wouldn't arrive but I will never admit that your presence gives me comfort like nothing else_.

Harry looked at Draco and gave him a tiny package. Draco tilted his head. Harry nudged him and nodded.

Draco opened the package to find... a piece of treacle tart? He turned to Harry again.

Harry gave him a tiny smile as he opened his own treacle tart package.

_Beautiful_.

Draco felt his cheeks heat up as he returned the smile.

Draco had a new goal.

And that goal was to make Harry Potter smile as much as possible.


	4. and it scares me because boy i don't deserve it

The first time they talked Draco almost didn't expect it.

It wasn't even a plausible conversation, but even those few words made Draco feel warm and soft which was dangerous, as Father would have said, and despite the "fuck whatever Father thinks, I'm free now" attitude Draco tries to adapt every day, he can see how deeply he was affected by his upbringing, especially in the last few years.

Draco was late.

Not that they ever had a set time when they'd come, but usually, Draco arrives first, around midnight, and Harry joins him half an hour later.

And tonight, Draco was running to the corridor at one am. Draco sighed exasparately. It really was not his fault he fell asleep while completing a potions assignment (even though his inability to sleep at night when he should be sleeping along with midnight wandering around and staring at the stars – read Harry Potter – definitely had an effect on that).

Draco schooled himself to an indifferent facial expression not to show he'd been running all the way and started walking towards the window.

Harry noticed him and turned around. Draco gulped.

Harry seemed to be thinking about something. Then he sighed and looked at Draco with a small smile.

"Tonight I was the one waiting for you to come."

Draco was suddenly out of breath.

"Yeah... I was late," Draco uselessly supplied.

"Yeah..." Harry's voice was quiet and soft and so gentle and good lord it was so soothing and Draco wanted nothing more than to listen to it all night, every night.

That specific though shook Draco as he sat down next to Harry, a tiny bit closer than usual, it haunted him as he went to shower and fix himself early in the morning and didn't leave his mind even as he ate breakfast.

Draco was terrified. He never felt like this, it was thrilling and soft, exciting and warm, and so unbecoming of a Malfoy. And Draco knows, he knows that Father has no power over him anymore and that Mother just wants him to be happy, but the world isn't welcoming and his thoughts aren't either and Draco is _sorry sorry so fucking sorry I don't want to trouble anyone but I want to be happy and I don't know how to do it and honestly I don't even know if I ever can feel content because I don't deserve it I really don't I don't deserve the tiny smiles and the waiting and the slice of treacle tart_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> helloooo!!
> 
> first of all im so sorry for not updating, ngl i didn't have the time to do anything, let alone write. 
> 
> the good news though is that christmas break is coming! so apart of studying my arse off, i'll probably write as well, so yay!


	5. and so i cried and hoped the heavens would listen to me

Draco didn’t go the next night. Or the night after that. And after that.

Draco was terrified. His father’s words were echoing in his head. Even though Lucius (that’s what Draco vowed to call his father in his head, even though he still couldn't get exactly used to it) wasn’t ruling him anymore, there was still a lot that Draco had to resolve, make peace with and fulfil. A lot of it was his own guilt and the apologies he still owed and couldn’t physically make, as well as quite a bit of anxiety about the future and _what would Mother think of all of this, I can’t possibly fail her_.

The first night, Draco decided he might as well try and sleep like a normal human.

When he lay down on his bed, images flooded him. Draco continuously tried to clear his mind, and after two hours of fitful rolling in his bed, he finally fell into a restless sleep, filled with images of his father with his cane, his mother crying, his father holding up his wand, the Dark Lord, his mother was crying, his father was furious _Mother please don’t cry for me please I can handle this please please please_

Draco woke up gasping for breath, tears streaming down his face. He curled up in a ball, tried to calm his mind down.

After a while, he checked the time. 2 AM.

_Great_, he thought. _I will try tomorrow_, Draco promised himself and got up to study a little bit.

The next night went very similarly. And the ones after that as well. Except after waking up in a pool of tears and sweat, Draco didn’t have the energy to get up and do something else anymore. Instead, his traitorous mind supplied him with soothing images of the one and only Chosen One’s beautiful smile and emerald green eyes and each time, Draco fell slowly asleep.

This night was different though.

As usual, as soon as Draco closed his eyes, he could see the fire and the war and The Dark Lord was laughing and screaming that Harry Potter is dead _no that can’t be possible he wouldn’t he didn’t please no_ and then suddenly everything vanished, _where am I_, and then he turned around and saw him. Harry. And Harry, oh how he was beautiful, smiling like the Sun herself, and smiling at Draco and Draco felt weak, so weak and so happy, and Harry took his hand and Draco laughed and then Harry came closer and

Draco woke up with tears in his eyes.

He missed Harry so much, yet he couldn’t accept it. He couldn’t just go to him, befriend him, maybe even fall in love and try to court him, without any repercussions.

Everything was wrong with how Draco felt. Everything.

His mother’s expectations of marrying a pretty Pureblood witch. The fact that he’s still on probation and that even after that, he would be very much disliked in the British wizarding community. He would only be dragging Harry down. The guilt he still had from their early school days, from Sixth Year, the war, Draco thought, _he’s suffering and it’s my fault I let them in and they murdered his loved ones hell I tried to murder one of his loved ones_. Harry couldn’t possibly genuinely like him. Whatever has happened in the last few weeks doesn’t mean he’s over the fact that Draco was a snooty idiot who later, albeit forced into it, fought a war against him. And lastly, the fact that Harry was a man and Draco could still hear his father saying “I did not raise a filthy faggot.”

Draco had felt lonely a lot during the war, but whatever he was feeling now does not compare. And so he cried tears of desperation, of self-loathing, of love and longing, until his eyes went dry and he couldn’t think anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiya!
> 
> i am bACK WITH A NEW CHAPTER  
yes i know that took me way too long and i am sorry for that  
there was a while where i didnt have time with studying and when i sat with the intention to write, i didn't know what to.  
just so you know, i have a faint idea about where im going with this fic, but as i said, it is very faint, so we'll just see where this will bring us to
> 
> anyway i lowkey made myself cry while writing this? idk the loneliness and the longing is quite the motive^tm with me personally and even though i cant exactly relate to it on a romantic level, it is a thing i know and i am very sensitive about
> 
> well, i hope you like it!! make sure to comment what you think about this!!

**Author's Note:**

> hello lovely peeps!
> 
> this is my first piece of writing ever! i'm not sure about how good it is (that's up to you to tell me hehe) or even how often i'll be updating, but nevertheless i hope you enjoy this story!
> 
> i have a few prewritten chapters that i'll post regularly while writing up the rest, but i'm really not sure how much i'll update since school is starting and i'll probably be busy with trying to survive my horrendous schedule oops


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